an overdue love letter to my Soul House in the Himalayas.
i was only 19
a staunch little Richard Dawkins loving atheist
secretly leaving home with nothing but a backpack
alone i boarded a bus in a chaotic station in chandigarh
the wrong bus
somehow we still found each other
you were my last resort
my mind plagued with thoughts out of my control
“mild depression” my GP called it after
a 7 question
1 page
form
you opened your arms and welcomed me
showered me with more love than i even knew possible, without saying a word
tears welled up in my eyes, i fought back
how did i feel so much knowing so little about you
“you are an old soul who has come back home”
i didn’t believe a word, my mind attached to an identity id built as an “intellectual” of sorts
I saw Muslims from Iran, Hindus from across India and Christians from Russia all come to you
i stayed an extra day
then another
and another
on the brink of a new year
my friends called
“we’re coming to pick you up – let’s go to Goa and party!”
but i surprised myself
i chose to stay with you, my love
parties, alcohol and dancing the night away i had done a thousand times
you were something else altogether
you taught me how to meditate
but oh you did so much more than just quieten my mind
you showed me love
taught me how to love the world unconditionally
yours was divine, infinite and pure bliss
the kind that can’t be found in books or blogs
the kind that can only be experienced
i thought i knew love having found “the one”
wrong
i knew attachment, expectation and romantic love
you showed me that everything i ever wanted was already inside me
40 days passed
40 days of
bliss, love and light
i watched stars, birds and mountains in awe of their beauty
then came my time to leave
i cried bitterly as I left
so afraid of feeling empty again without you
but you assured me
“it goes wherever you go”
i was still so scared
but you took the fear out of me
this December will be 8 years since we met
the state of the world such that I cannot pay my annual visit
too fragile, too scared of my own misery I kept coming back to you every year
again and again, you showed me love
but finally, I understand what you meant when you said
“it goes where you go, be a warrior of light”